Another Night, Another Wake-Up Call From Pain

Last night was another one of those nights—the kind where pain doesn’t just wake you up, it drags you out of whatever scrap of rest you were managing to get. My foot was screaming again, that deep, sharp, relentless ache from my venous ulcer. After twenty years of living with this chronic condition, you’d think the body or the mind would adapt. But no. It still hurts. It still interrupts my sleep. It still grinds down my patience and my hope.

Sometimes, in moments like that, when I’m sitting on the edge of the bed holding my foot and wondering how I’m supposed to keep living like this, I can’t help thinking, I’m so sick of this pain. I wish I didn’t have to deal with it every day and night. I wish I had a normal life—one without a chronic condition that has shaped, limited, and honestly ruined more than twenty years of it.

And then on top of the physical pain, there’s everything else.

Recently I had a production-type job interview—something I actually know. Something I’ve dedicated 13 years of my life to. Production, manufacturing, hands-on work… it’s what I’ve done, what I’ve built competence in. But of course, the rejection came with that classic polite nonsense:

“The role requires high levels of manual dexterity and confidence working with complex, detailed technical drawings, and at this stage we felt the position wasn’t the right match for your current experience in those areas…”

What a load of rubbish. I’ve spent over a decade doing production work. Suddenly I’m not dexterous enough? Suddenly I can’t read technical drawings? It felt more like they had a favourite candidate lined up and just needed an excuse.

Then there was the eCommerce Administrator job. I worked hard on the application, tailored everything, showed that I know my way around a computer… and the reply?
A generic message saying the role has gone to someone else. It felt like they never truly looked. What company does that—asks for applications, encourages people to put in time and hope, and then fires off a two-line rejection like it’s nothing?

eCommerce Administrator reply

And, because I’m trying everything, I even applied for a kitchen porter job. I did a three-hour trial shift—actually enjoyed it. Thought for once something positive might come of trying something different. But no. Rejected again.
“Lacked experience.”
How exactly am I meant to get experience if no one will give me any?

At this rate, applying for jobs feels like stumbling around in the dark. Every time I reach out, I get slapped back. Every time I try to move forward, someone decides I’m not the right fit, not experienced enough, not whatever enough. And after so many rejections, especially while dealing with chronic pain that already exhausts me… it’s hard not to feel worn down. Hard not to feel like I'm wasting my time. Hard not to feel like everyone else gets a chance except me.

But here’s the truth I’m holding onto, even on the worst nights:
I’m still trying. I’m still applying. I’m still pushing forward through pain and disappointment that most people couldn’t imagine. And that means something.